


we're no strangers to love

by attheborder



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Memes, Screenplay/Script Format, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:08:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22366180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attheborder/pseuds/attheborder
Summary: It's a slow day at the Institute. Sometimes you have to make your own fun...***my non-winning entry for the TMA Fluff Script competition!
Comments: 16
Kudos: 156
Collections: The Fluff Archives





	we're no strangers to love

_[CLICK]_

**TIM**

… and _worm_ is only _one letter_ away from _work!_

**MARTIN**

(slight, forced laugh) Good one.

**TIM**

Look, if it’s not doing it for you, you don’t have to laugh. 

**MARTIN**

No, no, I— I think it’s great that you’re trying new things. I just think that—

**TIM**

What? 

**MARTIN**

Well, you know, stand-up comedy— I— I don’t know much about it, really, but I feel like it should be… relatable? To everyone? Not just, um, other Archives staff. The worm thing is… pretty specific, you know? 

**TIM**

Hm. I have a bit of material about having a dead brother, if you think that would fare any better.

**MARTIN**

Oh— I didn’t know you had a—

**TIM**

Like this one— okay. _(standup voice)_ I’ve gotta say, my brother dying under mysterious circumstances has been the best thing to happen to my love life since I grew chest hair. You give ‘em the old _It’s been so hard for me these past few years,_ and they practically trip over your feet to get their tongue down your throat. 

_[MARTIN CLEARS HIS THROAT, MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE]_

**TIM**

… Too much? Yeah. Thought so. 

_[DESK PHONE RINGS]_

_[MARTIN PICKS UP]_

**MARTIN**

Hi, Elias— 

_[MUFFLED SOUND FROM PHONE]_

**MARTIN**

Uh huh. Yeah. Okay, just that one? What’s the case number—

_[MORE MUFFLED SOUNDS FROM PHONE]_

**MARTIN**

Yeah. Yup. Alright, I can have that to you by the end of the day. Thanks. 

_[HE HANGS UP]_

**TIM**

Ugh, what does he want? 

**MARTIN**

(Sighs) Some big shot Cambridge people coming in tomorrow, apparently. He wants additional research and a summary of the Madigan statement to show them, with references included.... Should take up most of the afternoon. 

**TIM**

Hm. The Madigan statement? 

_[PAPERS SHUFFLING]_

**TIM**

Oh, I thought we had it here…. Must be in Jon’s office.

**MARTIN**

(Quickly) I’ll get it. 

**TIM**

Course you will. 

**MARTIN**

(Defensive) You— you can come with, I mean— if you want to.

**TIM**

Yeah. Yeah, I’m not getting anywhere with this right now. 

**MARTIN**

You know, it _might_ help if you actually _opened_ the research document on your computer. 

**TIM**

(rakish) Look, I’m saving the best part for last, ok? 

_[MARTIN LAUGHS, GENUINELY THIS TIME]_

_[CLICK]_

_[CLICK]_

_[FOOTSTEPS AS MARTIN & TIM APPROACH JON’S OFFICE DOOR] _

**MARTIN**

Hold on. He’s recording, we should wait for him to finish—

**TIM**

Oh, come on. I think he’s almost done. Here—

_[DOOR CREAKS OPEN SLIGHTLY, JON’S VOICE IS NOW AUDIBLE AS HE RECORDS A STATEMENT. HE DOESN’T NOTICE THE DOOR OPENING - HE’S LOST IN THE SAUCE.]_

**ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)**

… the whole house started to shake around me, a deep vibration rising up from below the floor. I could hear the voice echoing all around me. The blood was rushing in my ears, but above that was a hoarse, harsh call, reaching towards me from somewhere else, somewhere far away yet still too close. I bolted down the stairs, and out the front door, not even bothering to put on my shoes, but the voice followed me. It was saying, _Never… never…. never…._

It had been a bright, warm summer’s day just hours before, but now as I emerged onto the street it was cold as winter and dark as night. I took off, as fast as I could go, trying to outrun the _thing_ that was after me. The only thing keeping me grounded was the roughness of the pavement beneath my bare feet, so when it changed to something cold and smooth, I noticed. I looked down and saw that the pavement had become hard, and white, like an endless street of bone.

The voice became clearer, more defined. I pressed my hands to my ears to try and keep it out, but it drilled into my nerves like a knife. It howled, hungrily, the sound of a thousand teeth, _Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down._

_[FROM OUTSIDE DOOR, WHISPERS]_

**MARTIN**

...Oh my god. 

**TIM**

(Sniggering) Does he _know?!_

**MARTIN**

I don’t know— we should tell him—

**TIM**

Don’t you DARE. 

  
  


**ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)**

The darkness started to crowd in. The voice was getting louder all the time, and I collapsed under the weight of my impending doom. I sprawled out across an infinite plane of cracked white bone, reaching to the dark horizon, blood pulsing up from between its plates, as the sky filled with clawing hands, and the chant boomed from all around, discordant, hypnotic: 

_Never gonna give you up_

_Never gonna let you down_

_Never gonna run around and desert you_

_[MARTIN AND TIM CAN’T CONTAIN THEIR LAUGHTER NOW— THEY BUST OUT IN CACKLES]_

**ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)**

_Never gonna make you cry_

_Never gonna say goodbye_

_Never gonna tell a lie and—_

_[JON ABRUPTLY REALIZES WHAT IS GOING ON—TOOK HIM LONG ENOUGH— HE SNAPS OUT OF STATEMENT MODE]_

**ARCHIVIST**

Oh— oh, what the _hell._ You are fucking _kidding me._

_[DOOR CREAKS AS MARTIN & TIM ENTER, WHEEZING] _

**TIM**

Wowwwww, that was—

**ARCHIVIST**

Tim— _Martin—?_ How much of that did you hear— no, I don’t want to know—

**MARTIN**

Jon, _where_ did you get that statement…? 

**ARCHIVIST**

I— Elias dropped it off this morning— (realizing) oh, God dammit. 

**TIM**

Damn. Mad respect. Didn’t know he had it in him.

**ARCHIVIST**

If any of you _ever_ bring this up again...

**MARTIN**

Your secret is safe with me, Jon.

**TIM**

...No comment. No comment at all. 

_[CLICK]_

_[CLICK]_

_[ELIAS CHUCKLES DARKLY — HE HAD BEEN WATCHING THE WHOLE THING GO DOWN]_

**ELIAS**

Oh man. That was _good._

_[HE SIGHS WITH SATISFACTION — THE EYE HAS BEEN WELL FED BY THIS ESCAPADE]_

**ELIAS**

Rosie!

_[DOOR OPENS]_

**ROSIE**

Yes, Elias? 

**ELIAS**

Please send an email to Peter from me, message as follows:

_Peter,_

_A sincere thank you for introducing me to the concept of “Rickrolling.”_

_Your initial infraction against me has been forgiven, now that I understand the full potential of the procedure._

_Dinner at the Ritz tonight is back on. I’ll see you at eight._

_Yours, Elias_

**ROSIE**

Got it. 

**ELIAS**

That’ll be all, Rosie. That’ll be all…

_[ONE LAST SLY LAUGH]_

_[CLICK]_

**Author's Note:**

> alternate summary: it is a beautiful day at the magnus institute and you are a horrible eldritch bureaucratic immortal who has just learned about memes. 
> 
> i'm on tumblr! [@areyougonnabe](http://areyougonnabe.tumblr.com)


End file.
